When Saying No Feels Impossible: A Somatic Coach Approach

My client sat across me, her hands trembling slightly beneath mine as we worked through a role-play scenario. She was practicing saying no to her mother, which seemed simple on the surface but sent waves of panic through her every time she tried.

As a somatic coach, I noticed the moment her system shut down—the subtle shift in her breathing, the slight glaze in her eyes, and the way her shoulders started to cave inward. This wasn't just nervousness—a deeply ingrained response to disappointing someone she cared about.

She spoke softly about growing up in an environment where disagreement meant conflict, where getting it wrong meant cold shoulders and criticism. Over time, she'd learned to numb herself, to push through discomfort, to say yes when everything in her body screamed no.

That session marked a shift. Instead of pushing them away, she stayed present with those uncomfortable sensations for the first time. Even as she felt the numbness creep in, she still said, "No, that doesn't work for me."

On paper, she looked anything but conflict-avoidant. She managed teams, led meetings, and made tough decisions. But in personal relationships, especially with her mother, that capability disappeared under waves of guilt and obligation.

Now, months later, the changes are visible. She navigates difficult conversations with more ease. She declines invitations without elaborate excuses. She expresses disagreement without her chest tightening. The physical symptoms haven't disappeared entirely, but they no longer control her responses.

In our recent session, she smiled and told me about setting a boundary with her mother. "My hands still shook," she said, "but I did it anyway."

This work takes time. Each small step - each moment of choosing discomfort over compliance - builds on the last. It's about learning to stay with those physical sensations long enough to discover they won't destroy you.

Change is possible for anyone caught in the grip of people-pleasing—whether with family, friends, or colleagues. Not through pushing harder or forcing yourself but through understanding and working with your body's responses. Through practicing presence when everything in you wants to run. Through choosing yourself, one shaky moment at a time.